Herman Mildew. The name Herman Mildew has never concerned me
and never will. I have eyes for only one man with a bacterially associated
surname, and his name is Joe Scum. However, I’ll extrapolate on his dreamy assets
later, for now let’s discuss Mildew. His name definitely suited him. Mildew’s enthusiasm
for toenail clippings is probably what really threw me once and for all. However,
my disgust towards him has never provoked me so much as to want to kill the
man. Besides, the night of his murder I was too busy with my previously planned
activities. For every day of the week I have a different activity that
specifically targets various aspects of my love interest: Joe Scum. I know what
you’re thinking, and yes, my life is quite like a movie and is definitely more interesting
than yours, be jealous. Anyway, it was a Wednesday, my favorite day of the week.
On Wednesdays I wear pink. I do this in honor of my favorite film, which is also
a widely known classic: Mean Girls. I like to pretend that I’m a
cleaner, non-ginger version of Lindsey Lohan while Joe Scum is of course Aaron,
her crush throughout the film.
Anyway,
while looking dashing in my pink outfit, I proceed to “bump into” Joe at his
workplace. He works at the prestigious chain restaurant, Taco Bell. Even the
name alone of Taco Bell screams classy. Honestly, they should add a side of
earplugs to their menu. People might go deaf because of all the class being
screamed at them. Then they would sue Taco Bell and the claim of going deaf
from class would just look silly on paper, let’s be real now. As I put Joe into
a trance with my hair twirling and head tilting he got so lost staring into my
slightly lazy eye that he started blabbering some jibberish about not being
interested in me. You know it’s working when they start talking nonsense. So by
that time I knew I was in. I could barely contain myself so I proceeded to leap
over the freshly bleached countertops and into Joe’s arms. Unfortunately for
me, Joe was so dedicated to his work that he had to dash over to the drive-thru
right as I was leaping towards him, oh that Joe. So I fell onto the floor,
which unlike the counters was not freshly bleached. I passed out, but was
awoken a few minutes later. Apparently the manager had stuck various cleaning
products under my nose in order to wake me up. Thank goodness he did that; I wouldn’t
have wanted to endanger my life in any way. I mean I could have wasted away on
that dirty floor among dried bits of their seasoned beef, which is the equivalent
of dog food, if he hadn’t forced chemicals up my nose, what a thoughtful and
resourceful man.
After that incident was over and I was on my
feet again, I was told that Joe had to leave while I was unconscious. I decided
that I should probably just head home anyway and take a shower instead of
further pursuing Joe into the night. So that’s what I did. Besides, I already
knew I had him wrapped around my stubby finger. I’m irresistible.
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